Decoding Male Depression
I like working with men because I see that oftentimes, most men are doing their best to get their needs met, but the way they go about it doesn’t seem to be working out for them. We get frustrated and either lash out at others, or collapse and self-deprecate. We hide our frustrations in addictions such as alcohol, substances, work, video games, porn, gambling, or infidelity. My goal is to be able to help men see that the trap that we create for ourselves doesn’t have to be the life that we live.
This blog post will provide clarity about the behaviors of how men subvert their vulnerable emotions to hide their depression, and how I go about assisting clients in reconstructing a new narrative about how they orient themselves to the world.
What Masculinity Teaches Us
The first time I became intrigued by how masculinity trains and limits us in society was from the sociologist Jackson Katz. His documentary Tough Guise clearly lays out how society socializes young boys to behave, because the negative feedback loop occurs when boys realize exactly what they are going to be called when they don’t behave “like a man.”
Go ask any young boy what it means to “be a man,” and you’re going to get the following answers:
Tough
Strong
Smart
Independent
Sexually powerful
Dominating
A winner
Tough, tough, tough (did I say tough?)
So boys learn that their acceptance from both family and social relationships is tied to their ability to be confined to this box of masculinity. They then quickly realize that their true inner worlds (any sadness, fear, abandonment, vulnerability, etc.) are not going to be tolerated, nor accepted. This confining and restricting definition of masculinity creates a negative feedback loop of performance-based acceptance and love. Men quickly learn that they are not accepted for who they are, but earn more praise for what they do and how they do it.
Let me illustrate an example to show what I mean. There’s this fallacy that boys in youth sports learn positive qualities such as teamwork, sportsmanship, and collaboration. However, you and I both know that the most important thing for a young boy to learn in youth sports is that “winners win, and losers lose, and I’ll be damned if I’m a loser.” Boys who lose in sports learn that they are not accepted, while boys who win learn that their performance is what drives their praise.
The restrictive definition of masculinity is especially harmful for men of color and marginalized communities. When we layer this definition of masculinity on top of other stereotypes (ex: the model minority, Black men are to be feared, machismo, etc.), we see how the restrictive nature of masculinity is amplified exponentially to become more extreme. The window of tolerance of male behavior for men of color and marginalized communities is far slimmer. Similarly, men identifying as LGBTQI+ feel this restrictive nature with their inability to feel safe in how they desire to express love, sexual connection, or be their true authentic selves in public spaces.
So now that we understand the setup of how men are socialized to act (because this is not a biological prerequisite, but in fact something we learn as young children), we can understand how the definition of masculinity tries to circumvent the human condition. Men are humans, just like the rest of us. They are not robots. They have feelings, reactions to external stimuli, and desire love and connection. If we look at the setup of masculinity which doesn’t allow space for true inner expression or emotions, because humans are adaptable, men will find ways to get their needs met in very creative, self-destructive and oftentimes relationally-traumatic ways.
In other words, if masculinity trains men to believe they should not feel fear or sadness, when they do in fact feel those feelings (because these feelings are inevitable for all humans), they will get their needs met in ways that masculinity dictates is acceptable. Those ways will of course tie back to the key tenets of masculinity: being tough, strong, independent and powerful.
How Does Depression Show Itself
If men are supposed to be winners, what happens when we fail? Let’s say you work at a sales job and you continuously are performing at a mediocre level. What are the human feelings that you will feel if you are constantly “failing” because you are not “winning” at being the number one salesman? You are going to be feeling not good enough, unsupported, and trapped because you want to ask for help but you aren’t supposed to need help (because you’re a man and you’re supposed to win independently). If you’re not allowed to talk to anybody about these emotions, they typically become too hard to deal with, and a great way to subvert this entrapment is drowning out those feelings through numbing, addictive activities such as: alcohol, substance use, chronic video games, or doomscrolling on social media. These alternatives fit within the masculine definition because you aren’t asking for help, and you can still appear to be strong and independent to others.
However, of course, these behaviors lead to much greater consequences. One of those consequences that isn’t commonly discussed is that male depression is covert, because it doesn’t fit the mold and expectations of what depression looks like. We are so good at hiding our depression through other outlets that it is difficult for others, and usually even ourselves, to recognize or acknowledge. Depression for men generally doesn’t show itself, because the definition of masculinity does not allow for depression. Instead, it shows up as harmful, addictive behaviors, or rage, or infidelity.
Reconstructing a New Culture
If depression is covert and the definition of masculinity does not allow for depression, how can it be treated? The entire reason I got into the field of therapy is to create a paradigm shift of what it means to be a man. I want us to move past these restrictive ways of looking at how men move through the world. I want men to be able to be more honest and courageous about sharing their inner worlds with their partners, other men, and themselves. We can’t have a fulfilling life if we don’t allow ourselves to connect with others authentically.
So part of what we do in therapy is create your own set of values about what it means to be a man. We find ways to become our own effective leader of our internal systems and learn to challenge society’s definition of masculinity. I challenge my clients to find exceptions to the rules of what it means to be a man within their lives, and expand on them.
For example, I challenge men to discuss the fear of abandonment with their partners when they feel that they are being criticized. This courageous vulnerability allows for an emotionally corrective experience so that when we ask for reassurance from our partners of this perceived criticism, oftentimes our partners show us that our acceptance is not tied to what we do or how we do it, and we can always work on getting better. Instead, our acceptance and love is more tied to who we are as people.
When we look at male behaviors, it doesn’t mean that toughness and independence and power are inherently wrong. What’s wrong is the fact that we think men are restricted to only showing these values in their outward projections of themselves. What’s wrong is that we feel that courage lies in silencing ourselves, rather than being vulnerable about our true inner worlds. Wouldn’t it be great if we allowed men to still be powerful and tough, but encourage them to do that in ways that are relationally healthy, for themselves and others? It’s tough to be honest about fear, it’s tough to allow yourself to cry. What’s funny is that we have the strength and perseverance embedded already to do it, but the definition of masculinity needs to be expanded to no longer attempt to escape the human condition, but embrace it.
In the next blog post, I’ll expand on how the restrictive nature of masculinity clashes with the socialization of women and becomes relationally unhealthy in heterosexual relationships.
