Do we need marriage counseling?
It amazes me how much I can hear emotion through someone’s voice over the phone. As a therapist, I listen to people calling me seeking help in their relationships and/or for themselves. Many people are confused; they seem hopeless (or desperate), and they are looking to me for guidance on where to go. One of the questions I think many people are feeling is, “Do we need this? I’m not sure if my relationship is that bad yet. I don’t want to waste your time.” All of these thoughts and feelings are valid. I want to talk about each of these concerns and provide some guidance for those seeking help by answering some questions.
Can’t we do this on our own?
It depends on what you mean by “on our own.” The answer can be yes. In fact, I tell all my clients that the majority of the work is done at home together. I only see you for maybe 1 hour a week, so the “work” that you do is incorporating and practicing what we cover in therapy outside the therapy room. Therapy is utilized when you are getting stuck on your own. You find yourselves in the same cycles over and over again. You don’t feel your arguments are ever actually solved or worked through. That’s where I come in. I help couples understand those cycles and create new ways of communicating and solving problems. But most importantly, I help couples connect emotionally and become more secure with one another.
What are some of the key signs that marriage counseling would help us?
1) You feel your partner doesn’t truly understand you
You feel exhausted trying to explain yourself all the time because your partner is getting frustrated with what you are saying. You feel you are saying something completely rational, but their feelings keep getting hurt. You know your partner is emotionally intelligent, but lately you feel that when you speak to your partner, they get defensive and hurt. Marriage counseling can help slow this process down so that you both are heard and understood. This is done by focusing on the process of your interaction, rather than dissecting the content.
2) You find yourself avoiding your partner physically and emotionally to prevent conflict
As a therapist, this one always makes me sad. You married your life partner because you love them. The simple fact of being together used to make you happy. Now, you fear their response to the simplest of questions. Either they explode or implode. You’re constantly walking on eggshells, so in order to not feel this anymore, you just avoid it all together. Couples counseling helps create a sense of security so that time together is not seen as a potential danger.
3) You have started lying to your partner because you feel they will blow things out of proportion
You think of yourself as someone who values honesty. (You don’t lie, remember?) And yet, you find yourself lying to your partner about the smallest things. You lie about what you had for lunch that day because you don’t want them to find out you had an innocent lunch with a co-worker of the opposite sex. Having the fear of judgment has led you to become a deceitful person, and you don’t like it. In the therapy room, we give honor to these feelings, but in the same breath, do not condone lying. Both can be true: you lied because you were afraid of your partner’s response AND being untruthful in your marriage is a killer.
4) You keep getting into the same arguments
I hear this one all the time. And couples will add, “Honestly, I don’t even remember what we were fighting about.” The contentious behavior that surrounds your time together is not helpful. It only adds distress to your life. In couples therapy, we break down where these arguments are coming from emotionally. Neither of you are the problem. Rather, the problem is the problem. Let’s not let “the problem” affect the harmony of your marriage.
Conclusion: No, it’s not too early for marriage counseling
If you find yourself in a marriage that resembles some of the components discussed in this post, then you may have reached the conclusion that marriage counseling could be right for you.
People think that if they’re going to couples counseling, it’s a problem. They think it’s a sign that their relationship is failing and they should only go to marriage counseling when their marriage is in crisis. This is so far from the truth. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had clients come in, and I think to myself, “I wish you had started this journey years ago.”
Marriage counseling is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of emotional maturity, acceptance and strength. Like anything good in life, it takes hard work to see results. We aren’t taught in school how to be in a good relationship. The relationship skills required to have a long-lasting, fulfilling marriage are not prerequisite classes before we get married. It’s hard for all of us.
I have a couple last words for you:
1) You’re not alone. Plenty of relationships are struggling and in need of help.
2) Don’t let the most important relationship in your life evade your love and attention. Though it may be uncomfortable and scary, you’ll be glad you worked on it in the long run.
If you’re interested in learning more about what it would be like to work with me, feel free to book a free consultation call here and I’d be happy to chat more about your particular situation.
I leave you with a quote:
“You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day, and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you.” — Bob Marley
